*Originally posted 10/14/2008 with a little reboot
Where it all starts.
Destination: Northstar, Lake Tahoe
Objective: To break every bone of spirit and humility in Ramblers body
Age: 28
About 17-20 of us congregated in the Lake Tahoe area to do the “family” thing. Of that bunch, it would be my FIRST time in snow. I’m not gonna lie. I was excited.
We arrive at Reno airport and our small caravan of cars drive the hour to our temporary home for the week. I stared out the window on our drive like a kid waiting for Disneyland to appear.
There it is….OMG…there it is…SNOW!!!!!!
Someone in the car tells me to peel my face off the glass. (I’m too excited to care who’s speaking)
Flash Forward to our First Day on the Mountain.
It’s “recommended” for the first timers to take a series of classes (3 all together) through the day for us newbies. So what if my class included a bunch of 10-12 year olds.
The first class was something like…
“Learn-to-put-your-snowboard-on-the-right-way” class.
No problem. I aced it. I got my good-to-go high five from my 16 year old instructor. Come back in an hour and you’ll move on to the “learn-how-to-NOT-slide-down-the-hill-on-your-ass” session.
While I was waiting around (by myself cause remember it’s my first time in snow, so the other people with me were skiing/snowboarding like Olympic medalists), one of my boy/man cousins who was on “break” said to come with him.
On the “easy” hill.
I stared at it, and the ski lift and felt okay. I mean, I passed my first class…so what’s the big deal? We stood in line for the lift. I’m not thinking until we get on the bench chair with no seat belts and I turn to my cousin…
ME: “Soooo, they turn the lift to super duper slow so you can get off right?”
HIM: “Yeah!.” With mock sarcasm. Holy What The Flip did I get myself into!
via GIPHY
And then.
Panic set in, and in the next 45 seconds he tries to cram the lesson of how to get off the chair when we get to the top. In my frantic state, I recite what he tells me…
push your butt toward the edge of the chair, turn in an angle, remember only one foot is in the board, when you get off…
wait, what the hell did he say about when I get off…Fricken holy hell, what did he say? Think, think….
Now I want you to imagine this, cause it’s exactly how it happened…
I tried to get off the damn chair with panic-ridden determination, I really did. My not strapped in foot didn’t know what to do, so I tripped. Yup, tripped. And THEN, I tried to get up and SMACK.
Right, the chair behind my chair, right in the head.
So, I’m thinking this is what will happen until I clear the whole thing. I start to move like an army guy in boot camp doing that crawl in the rain through mud with your guns crawl….(back to me) dragging my foot and snowboard and cursing myself. And then, to add humiliation syrup to my bruised ego pancakes, the ski lift operator (who by the way must have been the twin of my 16 year old snowboard instructor), walks over and tells me he has SHUT the lift off until I can get out of the way.
HIM: Do you need help Ma’am?
ME: O, you shut this monstrosity of metal with seats off?
HIM: Uh, yeah (in that cocky high school tone)
ME: And I’m continuing to crawl like a moron?
Thanks.
It gets better.
Well, after an HOUR of me trying to get DOWN a 2 minute hill, I swear to HOLY God above that I will never go on this again.
Crap, and I’ve missed my second class.
Third class, and finally an employee of the mountain that is legal to drink is my last instructor for the day. We learn to snowboard down the really really small bump of snow we are learning on called a bunny hill aka the kiddy hill. (That might have helped going down the first time).
Toward the end of the class he tells us we are all going up the Hill of Death.
What girlfriend? (head snap) I don’t think so!
After some coaxing and the fact that he was hot and he promised to go on the ski lift with me, I actually convinced myself it would be okay. I don’t know what happened but I got on the chair and my foot (damn you, don’t you know what to do in the snow?) did something and I was slipping off the chair.
YES. I did. I really did.
The hero hottie that my instructor was tried to save me and we both landed face down in the snow. 5 seconds. That’s how long we were on the chair. We barely left the staging area. GEESUS! And I just know at that moment my hero hottie was questioning his certainty in my ability to be of the human species.
He said to try again and my slight concussion of a brain said “Sounds Good”.
I got on and your not going to believe it but when I got to the top… I just threw myself off the chair and did a duck and roll thing. Why fight it? The lift operator wasn’t sure to turn off the the machine of doom or not.
He did, just because I guess they are taught to recognize crazies on the mountains.
3 times in one day. From one person. Is that a record?
How many times can a person fall off a ski lift? Let me count the ways. #FacePlant Click To Tweet
Is your first time learning to snowboard/ski anything like this?
Linking up with all these great linky parties here!
Aloha, I’m Selena, The Rambler of My Rambling Thoughts. A storyteller, wife & mother just trying to make it to the next day by hunting for the funny to stay sane! I inhale coffee to keep my brain functioning. I occasionally binge on Netflix. I beg my dog to just leave the toilet paper alone for one second when I’m using the potty, and I pray to all that is holy I can get through a homework session without breaking Google for whatever is making my child smarter for her future. And I humorously navigate my new life as a military spouse without embarrassing my husband wherever the Army sends us. Did I forget anything?
Bahahahahaha!!! Omg, I hated the chair left. I almost didn’t make it off, thinking, ya I can totally ride this thing all the way to the bottom again. Great post!
Can you imagine if we both were on it? Possibly the whole mountain would have to shut it down. Haha.
Meh, I’d keep us warm with my friends Pinot and Grigio. ?
YESSSSSS…you are def my kind of girl!!
Omg lmao. Im laughing WITH you, not at you. Maybe snow sports aren’t our forte? Perhaps we should try booze induced naps instead? Lol.
I keep laughing when I read this and then I remember this is me. It’s already decided pinot grigio will be our friend should this ever happen again.
BAHAHA! Don’t feel bad, I probably would have broken my neck and bruised both ass cheeks. How scary! Fuckin’ outdoor shit. You’re too great.
I’m not the best outdoor person real outdoor people want to hang out with. Sigh.
You are such a hoot Selena! Lord only knows what shenanigans I’d have gotten my self into…prob would’ve involved an ER visit!
Thanks Andrea. I’m surprised I haven’t been to the ER with the amount of OMG moments I seem to run into. =)
So embarrassing and hilarious! I just remember everything going fine for me and as I do my s turns down a “black diamond” i was saying in my head, “I am so badass!”….Right up until the hottie on a snowboard slammed into my ski knocking off my one ski, one boot, and both poles. I then started rolling down the hill. Now I have to walk with one sock, ski, and boot to look for my scattered items up hill. Luckily the snowboarder was healthy and had some remorse. He actually ran up the hill and grabbed my things for me.
Ski memories! Now i just live in the snow and haven’t skied since
We are a sad bunch sis =) hahaha.
Haha, loved this. Another reason I won’t be trying skiing or sniwboarding anytime soon!
Very funny – sorry, but thanks for the giggles!
Thank you for reading. If I’ve managed to save ONE person from this post…my job is done =)
Haha … love it.
I went skiing on a dry slope when I was a kid, fell off the ski lift and sliced my wrist open. I still have a scar!
Hate skiing, hate snow, by I do kinda love the image of your drop and roll to get of the ski lift lol
Shameless. I know. Haha.
Epic, oh my gosh!! Skiing and boarding are not for the faint of heart. I took lessons for a whole semester while i was in school and I was just barely able to ski marginally well at the end of it!
It took me one day to know this was never going to happen for me. No matter how hard I tried. I’ll sit in the cafe and sip hot cocoa’s laced with Kahlua while I watch you come down a hill =)
Hahahaha! I hate to laugh at your misfortune, but this brings back so many memories. If it makes you feel any better, I was never able to actually stop when skiing downhill. When I was about 12 years old, I plowed through a ski class of little kids and ended up right between the legs of the (very cute) instructor……
It totally seems that all ski/snowboard instructors are hot/cut/swoon looking! I laughed at myself when I re-read this =)
This is hilarious and you have just cited all the reasons why I will never go skiing! Except the apres ski – I could def get on board with that!
Wow, such a wonderful post, well done you for trying something totally new! #ablogginggoodtime
Oh no!!! Haha! I ran into one of the huge wooden beams/poles that hold the ski lift my first time skiing and then rolled the rest of the way down the easy, bunny hill. It was hilariously terrible. Maybe next time will go better (for both of us)!!!
Too funny! I can’t even stand up on roller skates, so I salute you girlfriend!
My kid had a field trip the other day at the roller skate palace and thank GOD I didn’t have to help. Haha. I would have mortified her in front of her friends.
OMG you are a RIOT. I will convince myself in a couple of years that I was actually there with you – your imagery is so clear! Thanks for the laughs!
#BloggerClubUK
Why thank you Mary! =) I thank my father who was a very interesting storyteller.
I just LOLed. I have never been skiing or snowboarding and this is why!! I would totally be this person. Nope, not doing it! I have no desire to be smacked in the face by a chair lift!
Don’t do it Andrea! Just sit with me in the cute cafe sipping hot something watching all the other “Used to Be Me’s”.
Oh my goodness, you poor lady. I think it is safe to say, you are not going to win an Olympic Medal snowboarding anytime soon, but you might get one for flair whilst dismounting the ski lift. If it’s any consolation, I went skiing once and have never done it since. The ski lift was ok, but like you, it took me forever to get down the easy hill. Thanks so much for sharing such a wonderful post #MMBC x
I’ve licked my wounds for sure that day Lisa. And one the family likes to bring up once in a while.
OMG! Haha! I am glad you are safe and sound. No way in hell I would even think about skiing or snowboarding…and I’m from Minnesota! Snow is not my thing.
Girl, I have no flipping clue how I made it out alive.
This is why I have no desire to learn how to ski. None.
#MMBH
I’m thinking I have a club full of bloggers that will be sitting with me sipping hot somethings in the safe confines of a cafe watching the overzealous snow partakers.
Oh Selena this is great! I love that you can poke fun at yourself, what else can we do right? Proud of you for giving it three tries! You’re such an entertaining writer! Tracy
Thank so much Tracy =) You gotta be able to laugh at yourself or life would be way to stressful, am I right?
Oh no!! Skiing/snowboarding sounds terrible! I’m a Florida girl so I’ve never been. My husband really wants to go to Vail and I thought it might be fun. But I have a feeling that my experience might turn out exactly the same haha!
You can go see the snow and say you’ve been to Vail…and then just hang tight by the fire with something warm to drink. Haha.
I too hurt myself but I broke my elbow falling on black ice. I hate winter
Oh No! Mine was all purely emotional.
Oh Selena thank you. I’ve had one hell of a week/year (what Wait it’s only the 3rd week of Jan?) with blog schedule and tech challenges and this made me PEE myself laughing. Oh my good grief!! The whole thing. Priceless. #bloggerclubuk
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! =) Hope the week/year gets better! =)
Oh my gosh… that is so funny. I have always been so scared of falling off a chairlift.
I had my butt clenched so tight so that I wouldn’t slip out while getting to the top. Ugh. I dont know why I try sometimes. =)
Oh bless you! I have never skied but this did make me giggle. Three times? OMG. I can imagine it is really hard if you are doing the get off for the first time. Maybe next time it will be easier…will there be a next time? Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x
Now that I have a kid, I feel I may have to be a part of her experience. God help me.
Thanks for sharing again! #bestandworst xx
Hilarious. My first time trying to ski I went down the bunny hill backwards. Such a clutz!
This might have helped me =)
You have absolutely confirmed what I already thought… I will never ski. This Florida girl has no business even trying! ?
There seems to be a bunch of us on here that feel the same way =) We are meeting in the bar in like T-minus 3 seconds. Come join. Haha.
Oh my goodness! I’m dying. I can imagine it would be hard to get off a ski lift with a snowboard. Good for you for getting back up and trying again and again!
I bet getting hit on the head made me not think straight. Clearly a sne person would have said…NOPE, we are done here. Pack it up people.
This is so funny! I’ve always wanted to go to Lake Tahoe but now I’m afraid it’s going to be hell for me as well since that will be my first time if we go.
Belle | One Awesome Momma
The next time my husband asks me to go skiing with him I’m going to show him this post LOL
If I save just one life, Kate…I’ve done my job. =)
Oh no! I hope you managed it later on during the holiday? Chairlifts are a menace at first, they are definitely out to get you. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x
I lasted only one day there. Haha…I know where I belong now.
My first (and only) attempt at skiing involved a spectacular wipeout on the easy slope. I left a trail of poles, a ski, and a glove along the way. My then-boyfriend and one of his friends had to retrieve my stuff as 5-year-olds gracefully passed me by…
I feel your pain Sheila!
Aw man, this made me laugh. Sorry! I’ve never been skiing or snowboarding. In fact I’ve always regretted not going before we have kids. My mind could be turned around now though… lol. Safer at home! Pesky lifts! #DreamTeam
Don’t do it…whatever you do =) Haha.
This is hilarious- the GIFS! OMG
I know right?! They tell the story EXACTLY how it happened. Haha
I went skiing a few times when I was 10 or 11. I remember falling off the ski lift halfway up and deciding I would just walk the rest of the way up. I’m not sure how many times my buddies went up and down while I was trudging up, but I think it was more than a few #bestandworst
OMG, I would have cried and just slid down from where I was. Haha.
That is so funny. I was almost 30 my first time snowboarding. I had just given birth to my 3rd child about 7 weeks prior and it was the only time I strapped anything to myself with the intention of travel at high speeds down a large hill. I went with experienced people who went about their business as usual. As soon as we set out we got on a lift to a massive hill packed with people and everyone I was with took off and there I was left alone at the top to figure it out on my own. I must have fallen and landed on my butt every 8 feet. As soon as I got off that hill I walked inside and ordered a shot of tequila, I was in so much pain in my bottom area I felt like I had given birth again. I live in Michigan so not being a fan of winter sports leaves me with months every year of boredom. I now devote these months to my Pinterest garden-which may be the most beautiful garden ever… My actual garden… Not so impressive. Love your blog.
I bet we would have been at the bar together =)
Hahaha brilliant! I haven’t been skiing before but I imagine this is pretty much how my day would pan out too! #blogcrush
I tried one time in high school. Snapped the ski in half and had to walk down the hill. Never again.
#blogcrush
Hahaha oh God, this made me laugh so hard. I’m sorry you had such a nightmare but it has made excellent blog material. I would never go skiing as I’m so clumsy, I would be the one falling off the chair lift thing with you.xx #BlogCrush