I.Just.Can’t.Somedays.
It’s really happened. I mean, it’s been happening.
My Lil Rambler isn’t so “Little” anymore. I should have been more on my game when her pediatrician said at her 9 year old check up last year…well, she’s starting puberty. She’s in stage two.
I’m sorry…shes in what? There are stages? Wait…why don’t I know this? Is it a count up stage or count down…like is stage 2 almost there to…wherever the stages go or did we just start?
Did I ask the nice doctor how many stages of puberty there were and how it worked? Nope.
Because all of a sudden, I was in a daze. Fog. Delusional daydream of running on a rainbow with her and eating candy off trees and crap.
All I remember is to monitor her body changes and we will see her on her next check up.
We walked out of there different people. I’m being dramatic…she walked out fine and just like she did when we walked in. Me, her mother, the woman who birthed her was not.
I just stared at her. And I went immediately to Target and bought her little sports bras.
Because that made me feel like I had control of what was happening.
About a year later
The year went by and my shock wore off as I monitored the body changes. Some days I walked out of her bathroom and just said…what the hell is going on? Where is the Lil Rambler of potty training days?
Sentences like “No you can’t shave that? I don’t care if Mom does!” engaged itself in our mother to child banter. Forking Puberty.
Like, I get it…I’m a woman…I know exactly what will be happening to her…but all of a sudden, I did not feel like any kind of expert.
So thankfully while on vacation one of my besties recommended this book…American Girl “The Care & Keeping of You”.
Looks of disgust and utter pre-teen eye rolling
My plan of gifting her my lifesaver (I should really say Books 1 & 2 because I wanted to over achieve) was that I would hand my kid the book of womanly knowledge and tell her read, ask questions, and then we shall go buy ice cream and shop like those mommy daughter commercials on TV. And have her tell me I’m amazing. All in one day.
What really happened was that my almost 10 year old and her favorite cousin (newly 10) were hanging out being cousins and I was like… .oh, 2 birds with 1 stone thing!
I’ll let them scan this together so maybe it won’t be too weird and they can ask each other questions…and then ask ME questions and we can all skip to Baskin Robbins and prepare for the most amazing mommy/aunt in the world love fest.
It was mostly all around awkward. Probably because I made it awkward. I stuttered, while they eye-rolled me, tried to open to a page and say…..
…..you have these things here
…..uh..on your chest
…..and um they (gulp) gaarowwww
….and well, maybe this page about hygiene and taking a shower every day is better to start.
It’s too intense when 2 ten year old girls stare at you. They took the book after a couple seconds (which really felt more like eons) after not one word to me after my lame start up for the book that will blow their little girlie minds and went into the bedroom. Away from me. Because I made things weird.
Sigh.
Where are we now?
So, now her most recent 10 year old annual check up confirmed we had hit Stage 4. (5 stages….people…5 is final..height reached, Aunty Flow is regular, and all that’s supposed to be there…is there). The almost about to join the ranks of people purchasing maxi pads is upon her.
Jesus, hold the wheel. Or is it take the wheel? You get me.
Every time, I walked in to Not so Lil Rambler’s room, the books would stare at me. Obviously unopened. Despite my attempts to say how much smarter than mommy she will be. I took notes from my bestie across the street and decided to sit with her every night and read a little bit. (Why, I didn’t think to do this is beyond me…logical thinking skips my place of residence every once in a while).
Visions of her getting the lady friend at school freaked me the fork out. I need to prepare her. (OMG…new favorite TV show is “The Good Place” with Kristen Bell & Ted Danson..the kind of swearing my grandmother would be ok with.)
Test Run
I knew we would need to test run this so if she had questions, I could answer them. My kid is super literal and shy. Worst combination some days. (Sidebar: Lil Rambler didn’t hear her soccer coach clearly for his instruction regarding which side she was playing on during a scrimmage and was too shy to ask, so she played like she was on both sides. No joke…told her step dad…I think she doesn’t know what side she’s supposed to be on.)
We did it. We put that thing on her. I mean, she did. And I made her wear it for an hour so she knew what it felt like wearing a diaper and that it was normal. I mean, is it normal? Ugh.
And the funniest thing after putting it on, was that she waddled (cause it made her feel weird) to her step dad watching TV and said…
“I got my period pad on.” (insert high five in air toward now weirded out Step dad).
“Uh, haha, awesome Lil Rambler, good job?” (Poor stepdad Rambler…earning them parenting points) and then said to me…”My ears…my ears” with his eyes.
We are almost Code RED people…look alive!
xoxo
Aloha, I’m Selena, The Rambler of My Rambling Thoughts. A storyteller, wife & mother just trying to make it to the next day by hunting for the funny to stay sane! I inhale coffee to keep my brain functioning. I occasionally binge on Netflix. I beg my dog to just leave the toilet paper alone for one second when I’m using the potty, and I pray to all that is holy I can get through a homework session without breaking Google for whatever is making my child smarter for her future. And I humorously navigate my new life as a military spouse without embarrassing my husband wherever the Army sends us. Did I forget anything?
Right there with ya, friend. We have those books as well. One loved it and wants to read it all the time while the other wants NOTHING to do with it ever again. My MIL also had a book sent to us, “The Wonderful Way Babies Are Made.” I. Just. Can’t with that one just yet.
Right!! Let me know how THAT book goes! GIRLLLLLL, my bestie across the street found a book at the library and her and I kept saying…THIS IS NOT for kids, no way? NO WAY? Yah, I couldn’t either!!!
I love it! We have had a few conversations but I like the idea of a practice run. 🙂 Miss you sweet friend!!
How did our girls get so big already??? Miss you too!!!
I love your honesty with this post and it kept me laughing, but I feel you pain. I didn’t have to go through this with my kids because I have boys. However, I imagine my mom must have felt the same way you did because she bought a book and left it on my bed. I didn’t know that she did so I put it on the book shelf afraid to read it. This happened a few times before she handed it to me.
Thanks for the blog love =) I was living with my dad when it hit me and this could possibly be why I don’t know exactly how to help her without being weird about it =)
Oh my gosh, YES! I am laughing/crying. Maybe doing both at once… I have 3 daughters one is 15 and those stages…. I feel ya smalls.
Thanks for the laugh and for sharing your experience. We moms need to bond over these kinds of things. It is traumatic for sure when our babies grow up!
Thanks Jen for visiting =) I can’t even imagine what having a 15 year old will be like. (stocking up on something strong right now)
Funniest post ever. I just sat with the 2 “eyes” and told them what’s up. Told them its gross, but it happens because of the uterus doing its monthly thing….even went into the your body is turning into a women who technically could have babies. After some kid tells your kid the wrong thing and another asks your 7 year old to have sex…well I like to make sure they know the truth first, as harsh as it may be. Laugh through the awkwardness, answer questions that are appropriate, then say…ask me whatever you want. Oh and you can get pads or tampons, one goes inside you like a plug and the other sits on your underwear. Goodluck! I don’t know the stage she’s in, she has hair on her legs, that’s it…and the trainer’s we got her cause she liked lil ramblers.
I think they need a therapist.
Ha ha, I think I had that American Girl book when I was younger 🙂
I really wish I did…maybe this is my age but I had Tina Yothers (from Family Ties) tell me about being not a kid. We def did not discuss half this book. haha.
This post is too funny and tooooo real!
Aw, man. My oldest is 7 now, and I’m pretty sure we’re in the early stages. The train is coming waaaayyy too fast for me. Sending virtual wine your way. If only that made a real difference!
Mine just turned nine- I dont even know her any more- she is becoming a tween mutant. Love this post!
#fortheloveofblog
I love the honestly of this post. Being a father of 2 girls it gave me a great perspective of what to look forward to.
This must be quite hard to deal with, she sounds so young, but it happens to us all eventually. I didn’t realise that there were stages, how do they track that? She sounds like she’s taking it all in her stride. Thanks so much for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x
Oh crikey I have all this too come – seriously concerned already, and my girl is only 10 months… 5 stages of puberty, who knew?! #Eatsleepblogrt
Such a funny read – I remember the awkwardness so well from when my mum had ‘the chat’ with me (don’t remember what she said – I must have blocked it from my memory!) Sounds like you did a great job though – you’ve got to laugh at it really! Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove
I’m on the cusp with a little girl aged 8, I can’t believe it all starts so early now…better get reading! #SharingtheBlogLove
I remember the chat from my mum and it still makes me cringe thinking about it. I have two daughters and I am not looking forward to the 5 stages! You did good. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove x
OMG now i am even more terrified of my daughter than i was already! She just turned 8 and i swear she is half teenager already….oy. Great post! #Bestandworst
I know…it’s crazy. Seriously crazy.
Nobody warned us that parenting was going to lead to big stuff so quickly! #BloggerClubUK
Seriously! I feel blindsided. (insert serious mommy meltdown cry)
I have all this to come, a few years yet though as my daughter is 18 months! Great post, thanks for linking up #bestandworst
I miss that age!
Haha this made me laugh and shiver at the same time, with two girls fast approaching puberty. I need to plan! #BloggerClubUK
I know. Hence my dilemma of being in a good and bad spot =)